“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol
It's been a while, I know.
My intent was not to go so long between blog entries, but y'know how life goes. Having just opened a business last month, there hasn't been much time between sleeping, eating & breathing. (Yet I somehow always manage to lose myself on Pinterest for an hour or so.) I wish there were more hours in a day, more days in a week, more (summer) months in a year. Don't we all?
So, where am I now? It's been 3 months since I started this "overhaul" to my lifestyle. Or, rather, eating 100% raw, high carb, low fat & vegan. Also taking more time for exercise and reflection.
Well, I'm still alive. That's a start, right? I did not remain 100% raw. I started off really well. For about a month. I was really good. Eating mostly high calorie fruit meals and exercising like woah. My skin was clearing up and my weight was coming back down, my energy was skyrocketing. And then..... it got expensive. Jeremy and I were sinking all of our money into the new business and just couldn't afford to be buying the quantity of fresh produce needed to maintain a healthy and energetic lifestyle. So I (we) started supplementing with the next best thing: high carb/ low fat cooked food. Namely oatmeal. And it didn't make me feel bad. Oatmeal was working well. I was digesting it easily and it wasn't slowing down my progress too much. The problem is that oatmeal was a gateway food back to cooked meals and comfort food. The cravings for hot meals came back, and hard. Next thing I knew it, we were eating soups and pastas and then we were splurging at restaurants and the Whole Foods salad bar and I was back to eating fatty foods that slowed down my digestion and kept me fatigued and foggy.I think it hit me the hardest because of my P.C.O.S. symptoms, but it was affecting Jeremy too. He was losing his energy and losing weight, where he was trying to gain muscle. We were both tired all the time and we'd cook up some dinner and crash on the couch. Operative word, crash. We'd then roll our selves up the stairs, and fall into a coma of fitful, restless sleep. It wasn't working. I was trolling all of the LFRV websites and facebook pages, searching for the inspiration and motivation I needed to get back on track. And one of the things I started to notice, was that there were plenty of raw vegans in the same boat. Falling off the wagon due to social pressures, cravings, cost, etc. People who wanted the results that came from eating a super clean, whole food diet but without sacrificing the cooked food completely. And there suddenly sprang this little upcropping of vegans like Jeremy & I. Raw foodists that wanted to incorporate some cooked meals. One of the best ones I've found has been one of Freelee Frugivore's facebook pages- Raw Til 4 . She recommends eating completely raw until 4 pm and then having a high carb, low fat cooked vegan meal at the end of your day. Also to try to stay 100% raw one or 2 days a week. And that's sort of the category Jeremy & I have fallen into. We've been a lot more careful about keeping the fat low and keeping the cooked meals very simple. I've also been trying to keep up with working out and between the simple meals and active lifestyle, I've managed to keep my weight down 10 pounds from where I was and my skin is continuing to heal ( at a slower rate). And my mental fog and fatigue are starting to lift again.I know I'm still going in the right direction. And I haven't forgotten about my before pictures. I just need to stick with it for a while, before I can show some decent results. So that's where I am in my progress and starting over.
Another very important change I've made was to learn to "let go".
I've always been one to hold on. to things, people & feelings. And I never thought that it was a problem, because , hey, I'm adaptable. I go with the flow, I move, I shake and I grow. But I've learned that you can't really grow or shape the life you want to lead without getting rid of some things.After all, if you want new clothes and you have no room in your closet, where are you going to put them? The same applies to feeling happy. If you're hanging on to old baggage or negative feelings, you can't thrive on the happiness all around you and you won't let it in.
It's been 7 months now since my mother has passed from this earthly plane. I thought that I was handling her transition well. I was focused on experiencing my grief and not suppressing it (as I had done with my father's passing so many years ago.) I went to a bereavement group and I cried when I felt like it and I thought that was enough. It had been a couple of months, time to move on. But I hadn't actually let go. I still held the sadness and despair at the loss deep within. I just stopped allowing myself to feel it. And so I was building on those feelings in a very unhealthy way. Lashing out and feeling depressed. This wasn't me. Then one day, while I was at my part time job, a song came on the radio. It was a song I hear all the time. It never meant anything to me. But suddenly, as if by some unseen presence, the chorus of the song seemed to get louder and I heard the lyrics with perfect clarity. -Staring at the blank page before you- Open up the dirty window- Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find- Reaching for something in the distance- So close you can almost taste it- Release your inhibitions- Feel the rain on your skin- No one else can feel it for you- Only you can let it in- No one else- NO ONE ELSE can speak the words on your lips- Drench yourself in words unspoken- Live your life with arms wide open- Today is where your book begins- The rest is still unwritten.
And that was my mom. That was her telling me to stop putting my life on hold. To experience everything, open up and let go. And that it's okay. There is no doubt in my mind. The song, in case you want to know is Natasha Bedingfield's 'Unwritten'. Not really my kind of music, but the message was something that I needed to hear. And just the other day, one of my very best friends shared some good news with me. I was so thrilled for her that I was dancing around the house. And it struck me that it was the first time in over half a year that I've allowed myself to feel happy. So, thanks Mom, for giving me that kick in the ass. *Side note. I've also started going back to grief counseling and it's helping a lot.
I also made the tough decision to end an on again off again friendship of about 9 years. This was somebody that I had met back in the days of Myspace. We sort of forged this "friendship" over similar music interests. She definitely had a stronger investment in being my friend than I was able to reciprocate. I guess that I never felt quite comfortable with her. So I didn't let her all the way in. We eventually had a falling out. Which led to a pattern of re-friending to un-friending again and again. She reached out to me after my mother died and I thought that to be kind. We hadn't spoken at this point for over a year and were able to carry on a 2 hour phone conversation with ease. She seemed to have been in a better place in her life, and I thought that I was too. So we tried yet again. Now, it should be known that she suffers from a handful of chronic health problems and chooses to medicate rather than heal.I attempted to be as supportive as I could by encouraging lifestyle changes rather than medicating. And I made it known that I didn't agree with her lifestyle choices. I tried my best to be as much of a friend as I felt comfortable given our history. She was hurt that I kept her at arms length. And she started relapsing into the person that I had so frequently clashed with in the past. She would accuse me of not being a good friend. The girl actually had a set of friendship rules that she felt I should adhere to. It got to the point where she expected to hear from me daily and wanted me to respond to every inane text she's send. I was never that frequently communicative with any of my dearest friends or family, so it was hard to keep up with her needs.She was overly dramatic and very sensitive to the slightest things. I suppose the reason I tried so hard to remain her friend is because I knew she lived a tough life and that she didn't have many friends. Particularly female ones. Part of me felt it was my duty to stick it out. But it got to the point where I realized that this just wasn't working out. I was stressed every time I saw her name on my phone. That's not what friendship is about. You should look forward to talking with the people you love. I was getting ready to tell her that it was over. And then she told me that she was raped. I felt like a really sh***y person now. How could I possibly tell someone who's just been through this type of crisis that you don't feel it anymore? I tried to be there for her. To call and to text.Often she didn't want to talk. Wouldn't return my calls, so, I gave her space. And then I'd try to check in again. But it wasn't enough. Not frequent enough, not telling her the things she expected I should say. And I'd finally had enough of being told what kind of friend I was supposed to be. I've never had a problem being anyone's friend before. And I have some lengthy friendships that have withstood all of LIFE. And here is this girl who can't function in society, expects to be catered to and wants life to work her way without putting in any effort, telling ME that I am not a valuable friend. So... I ended it. Initially I felt bad, and then I felt relieved. It's over for good now. I know that we were never compatible to begin with and forcing a square peg into a round hole just doesn't work. Ever.
I'm not sharing this story to make myself feel better about it, but merely to suggest that it's okay to let go of negative people. If they add no value to your life and constantly sap you of your light, then chuck 'em. And don't feel bad. You are not put on this planet to help every charity case. Help yourself. Surround yourself with people who bring you joy and love you how you are. Thereby manifesting more like minded people and actions in your world.
Thanks for sticking through my long-winded ramblings.
Have a blessed, peaceful weekend full of joy and light!
And don't be afraid of change. <3
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